>The Never Ending Scene Blogfest!

>

The Never Ending Scene Blogfest!
So, I saw this blogfest and decided that I would like to give it a go! It is a fab idea and well, because its Brenda Drake and C A Marshall that are involved.  I have been following them for long enough on twitter and their blogs to know that a critique from them would be amazing!
So, this is a book that I have had finished for a while and I am still in love with the story, that’s a good sign isn’t it?
Its an Urban Fantasy Romance and it is part of a three part series, I have number two almost finished.
I wont bore you with any more of my ramblings, I will just post my 500 words and leave it to you to read and hopefully want to read some more, so here we go…….
 Lilly turned towards the loud voice that chilled her veins and made her heart stop in an instant.


 She knew in a heart beat what – who – she was looking at. Her subconscious knew his name. Her subconscious cowered in fear as she watched the towering bulk of the half man half clawed- hairless beast standing majestically at the edge of the room.
It had shiny black leathery skin that was taut across his bony face and gripped his inhumanly large muscles, that seemed to ripple and flex all over his massive body.


 She had felt the tremor of his bass voice rock through her terrified soul, if she still had one? And her skin continued to ripple with fear.
 She locked her eyes on him and couldn’t -even if she tried- pull them away from his magnificently large body. She tracked her terrified but fixated gaze down his bare chest, taking in the sheer size of the beast. Her eyes stopped on the red swirly markings that were emblazoned across his muscular body, they sat like a neon tattoo against the stark black of his skin. She slid her eyes past his loin cloth and down his legs that had strange nail like hooks coming from his calf muscles, like an ancient horse.


 Her eyes snapped back up to his face and with a gulp of fear she found him to be looking at her with his soullessly creepy black eyes that shone out from his angular face. A ripple of disgust ran over her body making her want to squirm with the feeling, but she managed to hold it together.   Even under his hideously taunting gaze.


 He cocked his head to the side in a disturbingly animalistic move that made Lilly shudder all the way to her toes.
 ‘’You!’’ He bellowed and pointed to Lilly ‘’Do you speak for them?’’ Lilly turned a little to her right and saw the other girls standing in a line right by her side, all of them flicking their eyes frantically between her and the immense being.
 ‘’I do’’ Lilly announced before she even had time to think. Her head racing to catch up with something that Lilly felt she had no control of.
The will to protect these girls.

The will to be their leader.

 The beast looked at Lilly and then he turned to the glass wall in front of all the writhing people. He placed his hand on the glass and lovingly stroked a line down the gruesome display.
A woman behind the glass began to wail and scream at the sight of him. The beast let out a cruel laugh and she could see his shoulders ripple and tense under the muscle.


 Lilly had a strong urge to gag as she watched the writhing people, bump and slide around the small space behind the glass. Fire licking at their toes, burning and charring their already tender skin.


 ‘’Do you like my art, Wrath?’’ The beast’s deep voice boomed loudly against the thick glass. He turned around and swept his black, cold eyes over all four of them and then over to the man who had choked Lilly.
 ‘’Yes, very much’’ the Psycho answered with an over enthusiastic nod that made him look like a nodding dog.


 Lilly’s face crumpled as her emotions crept onto her expression and she quickly righted her scowl before either the man or beast saw her thoughts……..






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19 thoughts on “>The Never Ending Scene Blogfest!

  1. >Oh this is creepy. You have a way with detailed descriptions1 And the "art" of burning, writhing people?" Fantastic! Thought I'd check out those at the bottom of the sign up list since you all probably aren't getting many comments yet :)Check mine out, too! http://wp.me/piTN9-CU

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  2. >Great job! All the description made me feel like I was there and I would turn the virtual page to the next if I could!Good luck!!! I'll be following you if I can make it work!

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  3. >Scary! I love it. I thought there were a few awkward commas and some sentences that could be cut in half, but nothing interfered with the story. Your descriptions are powerful, entrancing. Great job.

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  4. >Hi, I enjoyed reading this, thanks heaps for sharing. Just a question for you to think about, but is the beast a love interest? I only ask because the way he's described is rather sexual (eg the sort of description I'd expect to find of the male MC in a romance novel) whereas later in the piece he seems to become more of an evil character – there just seems to be a little discrepancy there. Anyway, hope my comment helps, glad you took part in this blog fest :)Rach

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  5. >Thanks everyone for your comments xHi Rachel. No discrepancy, Just your personal interpritation. It is just a 500 word ecxerpt of a 150.000 word document and I guess,with it being such a short dip into the story, It does leave the door wide open for different interpritations. I guess that's half the fun of Blogfest.Thanks for taking the time to read it.Kerrianne xx

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  6. >There was good tension in the piece. Something that was rather distracting to me was the repetitive descriptors, often about the same thing.His body was one of them. You said he was big several times, each with a different synonym for the word. towering bulk, inhumanly large muscles, massive body, magnificently large body, muscular body, immense being. You could lose all but one or two and we would still get the point that this beast is huge and scary.Some of your comparisons feel off. Like an ancient horse. I never knew ancient horses had nail like hooks in their legs. and this one …the Psycho answered with an over enthusiastic nod that made him look like a nodding dog.nodding dog? what? do you mean like a bobble head? or something else?An I read your comment regarding the length of the novel. Is it adult? I assume so. And it's your first novel. Just an FYI, from what I have read on agents websites and blogs a first time author wrting in the adult fantasy group is usually held to a word count cap of something close to 80K at most a 100K. Just something to think about. There are rare exceptions, but they are just that. Rare. Thanks for the read. Hope some of this is helpful.

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  7. >Thsnks Jodi for you comments.Its a work in progress so thanks for the FB. I think Bobble head is an American name, sorry but I am In the UK where we call them Nodding dogs, I wouldnt feel comfortable using names and terms that I wouldnt use normally.Thanks for stopping by. xx Kerrianne

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  8. >Book Blogger,Speaking from experience, you should consider cutting away a lot of the excess. I had finished mine at 125,500 it now reads 70,000. Yes, you are reading correctly. Jody is correct. Agents will flinch at its size. You have many good things in this excerpt. If you cut the adverbs and the repetitive description, it will read smoother and more exciting, I also remember seeing the word ripple several times. On the plus side, your tension is great, and your story is too. Michael D.

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